flood

i did not embrace you,
love.
nor did i forget,
i confess,
the promise of you
as levee 
against the flood of me.
i did not betray you,
love.
the hemorrhage 
of my addiction 
did not drown you
in a suffocating language,
tangled and untranslated.
i do not deny my want,
love.
but neither do i hate
the missingness,
the never,
of you in my womb.
i loved best,
my love,
by refusing.

	but i did not name you,
	Eleanor.
	i did not name you.